One thing in this world is true: EVERYONE has been to Starbucks. Even if you’re the biggest coffee snob, even if you don’t even like coffee, even if you think of yourself as a socialist and hate consumerism culture, you’ve had a drink from the world’s largest coffeehouse chain. Now remember: not only is this a judgement free space, but I personally don’t think having a drink from Starbucks every now and then (or as often as you have them) is something to feel ashamed of. Maybe their quality isn’t the best, but they will always deliver the same quality and the exact same drink anywhere you are. They are dependable and convenient, and society LOVES that!
Just for a bit of context, Starbucks’ shtick is and has always been exactly that. Think about the names of their sizes: Tall (how is this the small size?), Grande (okay, fine, but why mix languages?) and Venti (“twenty” in Italian). So slightly weird, hard to remember orders have always been around and they’re even encouraged and celebrated. The fact that they have a “Secret menu” just further proves my point.
Now I probably shouldn’t be telling you this because I’ve kept this secret from you for so long. But I’m gonna expose myself as a Millennial (who’s very much borderline Gen Z, I promise!) in this article by telling you how crazy I was about Starbucks’ Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte with Soy Milk in my late teens. Thanks to Kayla Itsines saying that was her go-to coffee order.
I know… SO many Millennial (and problematic…) concepts to explain here, but let’s not get into it right now. So that was as personalised and tongue twisty as it got; no pumps of syrup, no specific temperature, and no toppings. Things change and so do people, so it’s not surprising that the Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte with Soy Milk was just the beginning of the phenomenon and to this day the teeny tiny tip of the iceberg. So without further ado here are some of the hidden orders from that annoying and nonsensical coffee-iceberg.
1. Skittles Frappuccino
There should be no other way to consume Skittles other than in their original format! This secret drink doesn’t even have coffee, it’s a Strawberries & Crème Frappuccino with two pumps of vanilla syrup and a pump of raspberry syrup. I don’t even know why it’s called Skittles…
2. Orange Creamsicle Frappuccino
Just wait for these instructions… You have to order an orange-mango juice to the first line, then add milk to the second line, 2 pumps of cream, 2 pumps of syrup, topped with whipped cream. How does anyone feel entitled enough to tell the barista the exact quantities that you want?
3. Banana Split
Okay okay, this is starting to be really fun. This one is made from a Strawberries & Cream Frappuccino base, with a whole banana and java chips blended in, with vanilla bean powder and topped with whipped cream and mocha drizzle. I didn’t even know that Starbucks had bananas in their premises!
4. Mermaid Frappuccino
Guys, c’mon! Vanilla Bean Crème Frappuccino (off to a bad start) + freeze-dried blackberries. You’re meant to “line the cup with green mixed drizzle (white mocha sauce, toasted coconut syrup, and matcha powder)” and to finish it off add whipped cream and extra matcha powder. You have to be kidding me!
5. Sunset Slush
For our final order you should ask for a pineapple passionfruit refresher with no water and extra ice (already too many requests for me to feel comfortable ordering this), then add two scoops of vanilla bean powder, two extra pumps of crème base and blend it all together. But that’s not all! You have to ask them to put some strawberry purée at the bottom of the cup and THEN pour the drink.
I feel like I’m gonna get a diabetic shock just from writing these! And the craziest thing is that 4 out of 5 don’t even have coffee in them! I just have one question for ma’people: does anyone actually order and (most importantly) drink these? If so, we need to talk, babes, I’m concerned…