wellness
the
REALLY GOOD
league table.
the best really good
wellness
things in the world, conveniently ranked.
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FIND THE BEST FIT FOR YOUR BLOODY BITS
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it’s that time of the month again, huh? sucks. but have you ever thought that maybe it could suck a little bit less? y’know using the wrong menstrual products can make your period feel like total shit. luckily for you, the scientists (a girl with a laptop) in our lab (office) have devised this super scientific quiz that will help you find a brand spanking new alternative. and if we get it wrong based on our highly scientific data (questions about Glee), you can always just do the quiz again until you get a different option! it’s still funny on the second go, we promise.
mr schue is kinda tolerable
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*disclaimer we are not medical professionals. some, if not all, medical advice from really good culture should be ignored.
a comfy girlie. i can get behind that. Flux Undies are up to 100% leak-proof and just about the comfiest menstrual solution for anyone who is still a bit too scared to be putting anything wayyyyy up there.
okay, eco baddie! you know what you’re talking about when it comes to menstrual comfort, and so do the good people at Ruby Cup. plus every cup purchased is a cup donated to girls living in period poverty, so it really is a win for everyone.
you’re over the whole insertion thing, and i totally understand. so does TOTM. they have a huge variety of pads depending on your period needs, providing leak proof pads that hold up against a gruelling leg day routine (tried and tested, believe me). plus a fellow rachel berry hater. i love you.
okay, eco baddie! you know what you’re talking about when it comes to menstrual comfort, and so do the good people at Ruby Cup. plus every cup purchased is a cup donated to girls living in period poverty, so it really is a win for everyone.
fermentation for the nation
do you keep seeing content of people saying they’ve cured all of their ailments by focusing on ‘gut health’, but don’t actually tell you how they did it?
what’s the secret? it’s not manifestation this time! it’s fermented goods.
choose your favourite minion meme to find your perfect fermented good.
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shit yourself?
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drinks yay or nay?
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(veggie available on request)
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*disclaimer we are not medical professionals. some, if not all, medical advice from really good culture should be ignored.
MONSTER FUCKERS OF THE WORLD UNITE
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oh, uh hey. you clicked on the monster fucker quiz, huh? that’s a little weird but i’ll let it slide this once seeing as i made the quiz. on a real though, we’ve all been a little curious when it comes to the sexy world of the uncanny - i know i’m not the only one to get a lil fanny flutter watching venom, and it wasn’t over tom hardy. well luckily for us freaks and weirdos, you can buy dildos in monster shapes and proportions so we can fulfil all of our wildest fantasies. let’s find out which beast you should be bringing to bed.
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mommy issues are weirdly a turn on
*disclaimer we are not medical professionals. some, if not all, medical advice from really good culture should be ignored.
he’s tall, committed, and can’t wait to get all up in your insides. plus he loves his mum. what more can you ask for? go for something with extra texture to replicate jason’s decaying schlong and fantasise away.
a girl after my own heart. whether it’s his enormous size, five foot tongue, or ribbed-for-her-pleasure tail, the xenomorph is just about every freak’s wet dream. anything long, black, and shiny will do for some out of this world self love.
arrrgh a tentacle lover eh? good choice girly. you’ve got tonnes of really good options for nautical knobs in just about every size and material. get yourself a super slippy lube to keep things wet for the most authentic experience so you can hit some high c’s.
kind of vanilla, but I won’t shame you for that, he’s a total heart throb. if you want to make this blood sucking shag a reality, get yourself a glass dildo and a bowl of cold water to keep dipping it in so you can get some sparkly, ice cold cock.
IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN
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Do you want really good skin that every serial killer would want to cut off and wear as a horrifically uncanny mask over their own disfigured man-mush? Me too! But to get our skin to a level that’s worthy of becoming couture we have to know which products to use, and to know which products to use, we have to know our skin type. It’s all very complicated, but we’ve used our highly scientific quiz to save you some dosh on a dermatologist visit*.*if you’ve got genuine skin concerns spend the dosh on the derm, don’t trust a silly little quiz and please don’t press charges if i get your skin type wrong, i’m just a girl with a laptop and a dream, i don’t deserve that
*disclaimer we are not medical professionals. some, if not all, medical advice from really good culture should be ignored.
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but unfortunately, you participated in this spooky quiz. Your skin may be normal, but you definitely aren’t. Having normal skin doesn’t mean you’re exempt from needing to pay attention to your skin and what goes on it. Luckily, we’ve got a really good solution, just for you.
okay Cassandra! We’ll moisturise you.
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You may be dry as a bone and we’re sorry to hear that. Luckily for you, some people who are better than us (not hard) have a really good solution :)
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You’ve got it all, we get it, stop bragging!! Sorry that your skin has multiple personalities, but it’s okay, - engage your saviour complex and help her! If you haven’t already nailed your temperamental skin care routine, we’ve found a really good solution for you.
yes they do! The dry girls and the American government wish they had your oil. Save it in a bottle and sell it back to them and become the first ethical billionaire. Now you’ve got a really good business plan and a oily skin solution! cos we love ya.
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OH, YOU’RE MENTALLY ILL?
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hey girlie pop. we’re in the same boat rn, you and me, i can tell because there’s no way in hell that a bitch with working serotonin production is clicking on the sylvanian families quiz. if you are completely fine and happy, firstly fuck you, secondly you’re actually appropriating mental illness culture right now, so i’m gonna need to see a twitter apology in the next three to five business days.... man i need to get the fuck off of tiktok.
you may be a little stressed, but you’re super well dressed. the queen of vintage capsule wardrobes, the icon, the moment. you always give the best fashion advice and your friends look to you for the next trend. you’re the coolest friend, with the best personality to match.
you’re giving ballet-core coquette realness rn girlie. you only smoke girl blunts and drink white wine, purrrr. times get tough, but you’re tougher, cuter, and serving more cunt that anyone else. stay iconic, bestie.
okay miss art student! you’re the most creative person your friends know, but instead of all the suffering for your art making you a tortured soul, you’ve managed to stay soft and kind and considerate. you’re a joy to be around and light up every room.
serving pop princess even on the bus to work, you’re the 21st century it girl, and a momentary not-so-slay mental health moment doesn’t define you. you’re a girl with places to be, and you’re gonna look sickening getting there.
THIRD SPACE
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milk, you’ll still get a yummy bev. What’s the worst that can happen?
You’ve been slaying the game but boy do you need a break. It’s a hard life being a high-functioning girlboss like you, so treat yourself (and your mind) to a BREAK...with a side of tango ice blast and a large popcorn. Escape from your fast paced life and get stuck into someone else’s story. You’ll feel incred afterwards I promise :)
You’ve not been at the driving wheel in your own life have you? Whatever it is that’s spinning you out, is gonna be just fine. I promise. Grab the bull by the horns and hit the gym. A good sweat will have you feeling like the master of your own destiny. Plus some endorphins will help <3
Solo dates can be scary, but taking yourself out of your ushe environment to feel like a hot, mysterious stranger is better than therapy. Trust. Even if you don’t meet the love of your life when you’re reaching for the oat. milk, you’ll still get a yummy bev. What’s the worst that can happen?
Yes, libraries do still exist. And they’re actually so cute. If you wanna romanticise your life and find that perf book to help you unwind before bed then the library’s the place for you. Bonus points if you sit in one of those comfy af bean bags to read. Elite experience.
hot girls sweat
take our quiz to find out which kind of sweaty hot girl you are
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wake up before
7am?
but who can blame you? Pilates looks incred on you, and smoothie bowls are delish!
Just make sure you give yourself a break every now and then. You’re doing great sweetie :).
Protecting your inner peace is your first priority. When it comes to exercise you want something to make you feel calm, relaxed and centred. Yoga is the obvious choice, and you look so zen doing it <3
“I do pilates for the low impact strength training” is what you tell anyone who asks. But we all know that you’re paying all that dough at reformer for the aesthetic of it all...and the mandatory acai bowls too. but who can blame you? Pilates looks incred on you, and smoothie bowls are delish!
If your heart isn’t pounding and there isn’t sweat drenching your entire bod, the workout wasn’t it. You’re an adrenaline junkie & love pushing yourself to the limit. Just make sure you give yourself a break every now and then. You’re doing great sweetie :).
Your body is 90% preworkout, and 10% protein bor. But hey, you can squat double your body weight and could easily take anyone in a fight. You scare me, but I also want to be you. Ps. pls eat something more exciting than chicken & rice. Life’s too short for that shit.
WHOSE ICONIC LOOK SHOULD YOU TRY OUT?
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Beauty is a big bad industry, and it can be kinda intimidating to push the boat out and try something new. I’d like to say that I get that, but I have no eyebrows rn. I love anything that would make an old small-c-conservative lady clutch at her pearls and recoil before hitting you with the ‘oh darling, what have you done to yourself?’. If you too live for intergenerational disappointment and vogue editorials in equal measure, oh boy do I have the quiz for you.
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want to be as bare faced as possible?
if you’re not glowing like a fenty-covered lighthouse, it’s not a full beat.
lil gothy?
straight out of a magazine?
standing out from the crowd?
of colour?
and pigment pots?
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